Embalming The Undead
by the Tactical Mortician
The three components and/or objectives to the modern American embalming process are as follows: Preservation, Sanitation and Restoration. As this process applies and/or relates to Zombies, Walkers and the Undead, preservation and restoration are nearly impossible – sanitation may however be achieved during a comprehensive embalming procedure.
As in a typical embalming case the principle of disinfection holds true despite the fact that the subject is an animated corpse. Topical disinfection of the skin, eyes and orifices will still be achieved through a combination of germicidal and bactericidal agents – soaps and surface sprays.
The true measure of success in respects to an embalming will still rely on a complete distribution and saturation of tissues with an appropriate strength embalming solution containing formaldehyde, gluteraldehyde or phenol. This will produce the fixation of tissue through the process of denaturing the cellular proteins further delaying the breakdown of tissues.
Depending upon the nature of the animated human remains themselves whether the infection be viral, bacterial, a prion, or supernatural will be the single greatest contributing factor in the overall success or failure of embalming. Suppose that the agent that causes the “zombie outbreak” is viral in nature, we as embalmers are in luck; formaldehyde is an excellent chemical which destroys and/or inhibits viral and bacterial growth and possibly rendering the animated remains inert.
The embalming process itself is an invasive procedure relying upon the arterial and venous circulatory systems, these systems breakdown quickly as decomposition sets in further complicating the embalming procedure – arterial embalming, hypodermic embalming and finally surface embalming may all be required to achieve the most complete neutralization of a zombie virus.
The overall recommended course of action would be to observe universal precautions at all times, use disposal instruments, exercise extreme precautionary measures rendering the subject restrained and keep a 9 mm handy should the procedure result in an embalming failure.